Hidden Reality

I have no memory of the details of my last blog nor the last time I blogged – it has been that long. Today, I have so much feelings inside of me that talking to good friends of mine is just not enough.

I deleted all of my blogs a couple of months back. The reason for this is because my friends and I were talking about blogging and why people blog. People basically blog to practice their writing, for some.. it's an outlet - like for me. But when I read every single blog I wrote, all of my entries were sad.. I'm not kidding.. EVERY SINGLE entry was depressing. And I realized that my blogs were out there, for everyone to read.. and I was thinking that maybe all these people who've read my blog think that I'm a very sad girl and I didn't want people to think that of me – at least not anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pretend like some happy girl who does not have problems or issues in life - in fact, I am quite the opposite. Most of the things that I remember about my life for the past 2 years have been very unhappy - I just don't want to announce it to the world. Since I am known (in our group) as the "sad girl", deleting all of my "sad and pathetic" entries was step 1 for me to be more positive about life and to focus on the good things (how little they may be) in life. It wasn't easy, everyday I wake up, I LITERALLY tell myself -"Cil, you're ok. You're gonna be fine" or I wouldn't listen to sad songs anymore (which was the most difficult thing to do because I thrive on sad songs). G once told me "No wonder you're sad, all the songs in your ipod are fuckin sad". I laughed about it - it was funny that time, but now that I've really thought about it, I guess it doesn't really help to listen to sad songs all the time. I tried to explain it to my friends before, that the reason why i listen to sad songs was because it makes me feel that I'm not alone. I was thinking, sad songs were written by people who were experiencing "not-so-happy" things in their lives - ergo.. SEE??? I'm not alone. But, I can't keep using that excuse forever - I had to stop.. and I did. But it's more of, I stopped listening to songs period.

Apart from that, I've stopped telling people about my so-called "sadness" and went to work, met up with friends, pretty much went on with my life with a smile on my face plus lots of stupid and witty comments that made everyone laugh - mind you -ALL THE TIME. People had no idea that when I get home, in my empty room, my sadness eats me alive.

Today I've realized that I have been living like a zombie. I wake up in the morning, I go to work, meet up with friends once in awhile, laugh here and there - and then I go home. It's the same thing everyday for the past couple of months. I am able to maintain it, up to now I think. It's easy when I have a lot of things to do in the office, so 10 to 12 hours of my day is spent on work. The problem is when I leave the office. It starts the moment I'm in the car - then I start to think about my life.. and it goes on until I get home, fix my own dinner, eat alone and go up to my room and realize that another day has passed and I am still alone - so I sit by my window, look up the sky and look for my wishing star (which I don't see anymore for the past couple of months). I sit there for hours.. just thinking, most of the time I lose track of time..

This happens to me every single day. No one knows about it (well, now you do coz you're reading this). I don't really know why I can't just shrug things off. I wish I could be like my friend Nathan, who manages to focus on the bright side most of the time. I am not depressed - i'm just not happy.

So, since I am pretending to be ok in real life, i think there's no harm in trying to be real through my blogs.